I couldn’t remember since when seeing you smile behind that counter, greeting the customers, became my morning routine. It was not that you suddenly working part-time at my favorite coffee shop, but it was me who kept coming here. To see you. Desperately tried to ride the time machine and magically fly to see you, and me, back then.
I’ve missed you so much it hurts, you said, with shivering hands trying to touch mine, which I coldly pushed away.
Why did such a child-looking cute girl like you could possibly do that, I could see you were making that face.
Maybe because it was such a cold, pretentious February morning? I wasn’t sure why.
We had been living together for years when I finally felt that everything between us were nothing but fucked-up fairy tale you created for me. I never loved you, every second with you tortured me, I even hated the thinking of going home and finding you opening the door.
I hated you and I didn’t even know why.
Please, baby, sit down and let’s have a talk. Don’t leave me again or I would die, you said.
I grinded my teeth, no bother to hide my hate at all. I came only to make you stop calling my parents, looking for me. For God’s sake, wouldn’t I need to be drunk to live with my parents at my age?
I didn’t say anything. I came, pushed yours away, slammed the doors, and left you, literally, without a word. I was such a spoiled brat.
Dammit, the young me!
Everyday I looked forward to seeing you behind the counter. It didn’t mean I never tried. I’ve tried, 99 times already. On these 3 months.
And today would be my hundredth.
“Espresso, please. ”
“Oh, hey, babe! Nice to see you again! I thought you wouldn’t come today, since the weather dropped below 10, I remember you hating February chill..”
“Well, yeah, February chill sucks.”
“I know. Hope the espresso helps! Anyway, have a good day!” You even made a flirtatious wink.
I really couldn’t stand the last 100 smiles you gave me, the last 100 good-day wishes you sincerely said to me. Because, they weren’t fake! I wanted you to be furious! I wanted you to angrily throw a cheap ceramic mug to me, but please no face, ’cause I deserved it. Cause that would mean you care! Cause that would mean you, may, still love me. Now, what? I am only a customer of your little coffee shop that will be lucky enough to be in your story to tell to your lover tonight.
Even so, I wanted to be lucky tonight.
I didn’t know why I left you. I didn’t even know why and how I could think that I never loved you, ’cause you were cool. Now I missed those hands caressing me. So nostalgic, every second sipping my coffee was haunting, torturing me with the same blade that once tortured me for being with you.
Now I miss you so much it hurts, can I please have you back?
** Tokyo, May 12th 2015 **